Singin’ the Blues 

Granny has long been a devotee of the Blues.  In fact, her eighth grade clarinet solo at St. Martin’s Grade School in Cheviot, Ohio (a suburb of Cincinnati) was Basin Street Blues. 

All of her sons and most of her daughters also love the Blues.  Her oldest son, Danny, played the Blues Harp (Harmonica) in the famous Bijou Street Blues Band, out of Colorado Springs.  He still sits in occasionally

A family tradition has always been to escort the newest 21 year old in the family to the Slippery Noodle (Indiana’s oldest bar) in Indianapolis (2 blocks south of the Circle on So. Meridian St.) to soak up the live Blues.

Many of the nation’s most famous Blues players and bands have graced the stages at the Noodle.  Granny always enjoyed The Mean Wienies and Red Beans and Rice, local groups who were regulars there.

ANYWAY……when a friend sent her the following, she felt she just HAD to share it with you, in case any of you are also fans of the Blues, and will relate, as she does.

HOW TO SING THE BLUES
 by Lame Mango Washington

(Attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little lind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin.) 

1.       Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning.”

2.     “I got a good woman,” is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line: “I got a good woman – with the meanest face in town.”

3.     The Blues is simple.  After you get the first line right, repeat it.  Then find something that rhymes…sort of: “Got a good woman – with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher – and she weigh 500 pound.”

4.     The Blues is not about choice.  You stuck in a ditch: You stuck in a ditch, ain’t no way out.  Blues cars:  Chevy’s and Cadillacs and broken down trucks.  Blues don’t travel in  olvos, BMWs, or SUVs.  Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.  Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running.  Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.  So does fixin to die.

6.      Teenagers can’t sing the Blues.  They ain’t fixin to die yet.  Adults sing the Blues.  In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada.  Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression.  Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues.  You cannot have the blues in anyplace that don’t get rain.  The following colors do not belong in the blues:  Violet,  Beige  or Mauve.

9.     A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues.  A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking you leg cuz you skiing is not the blues.  Breaking you leg cuz an alligator be chompin on it is.

10.   You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall.  The lighting is wrong.  Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. 

11.  Good places for the Blues:  highway,   jailhouse,  empty bed,  or bottom of a whiskey glass.

12.   Bad places:   Ashrams,   The Hamptons,  Gallery openings,  Ivy League  institutions, or golf courses.

13.   No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be an old black man, and you slept in it.

14.   You have the right to sing the Blues if:  you’re older than dirt,  you’re blind, you can’t be satisfied, or you shot a man in Memphis.

15.   You have no right to sing the Blues if:  you have all your teeth,   you were once blind but now can see,  you have a retirement plan or trust fund,  or the man in Memphis lived. 

16.   Blues is not a matter of color.  It’s a matter of bad luck.  Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues.  Gary Coleman could.  Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.  Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

17.   If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues.  Other acceptable Blues beverages are:  wine,  whiskey or bourbon,  muddy water, or black coffee.

18.   The following are NOT Blues beverages:  mixed drinks,  kosher wine, Snapple,  or sparkling water.

19.   If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death.  Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.  So is the electricchair, substance abuse, and dying lonely in a broken down cot.  You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

20.   Some Blues names for women:  Sadie,  Big Mama,  Bessie,  Fat River Dumpling.

21.   Some Blues names for man:  Joe,  Willie,  Little Willie,  Big Willie.

22.   Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can’t sing the Blues no  matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

23.   Make yer own Blues name (starter kit):  name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.,   first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.),   last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.,) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

24.   I don’t care how tragic your life; if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.  You best destroy it.  Fire, a spilled bottle of MadDog, or shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sit on it.  I don’t care.

(Note: In early 1997 Judith Podell, writing as “Memphis Earline Gray”, published an essay on How the Sing the Blues in Wordrights Magazine.  Subsequently, and without her permission, someone transcribed it and began mailing it around the Internet.  Some changes crept in during this process and it shows up on various websites and emails in various incarnations.  I have no idea how close to the original this is, but wanted to give the proper credit anyway.        -  Cyberbilly  )